The Ranma 1/2 Cast Does CCS
by Wyrm
Summary: The Ranma 1/2 cast, hard up for money, is hired to do CCS. Extremely silly.


DISCLAIMER: I stole the concepts in this story from some Ranma fanfics, the titles/authors of which I can't remember. As for CCS and Ranma 1/2 themselves, I think you know the drill. 

NOTE 1: Takahashi is the name of the woman who created Ranma 1/2. 

NOTE 2: While this story includes Meilin, who only appears in the anime, this fic is based off of the first issue of the manga; it starts off at the point where Sakura wakes up in bed. For those of you who've never seen the manga, it starts with Sakura chasing and capturing the JUMP card, at which point Sakura wakes up in her bed, and we see Kero watching a video of the capture on her TV; Sakura then begins a "voice over", introducing the characters and explaining stuff. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------- 

**_RIIIINNNGGGG_**

Akane woke up to the sound of the alarm clock, yawning. 

"_Sigh_. That sound." 

> I'm Sakura Kinomoto. I'm in fourth grade at Tomoeda Elementary school. 

Someone from offstage snickers at this; Akane glares at him and leaps off the stage, grabbing the man by his shirt. 

"I _am_ in fourth grade," she growls at him. "I just...." She looks down at ground, shuffling her feet. She continues, mumbling, "I just had a big growth spurt, or something." 

Getting back onto the stage, we notice a bandana-clad black piglet, tiny white wings glued to it's back, looking at a TV screen displaying Akane, his gaze rapt with adoration. 

"Kweee!" P-chan went. "Kwee kwee bu-kwee!" 

Akane put on her school uniform, which was _much_ to tight and _much_ too short. 

"Argh! Who does the costumes for this show! It's like they were designed for a little girl!" 

She glared at the offstage area, daring anyone to say something. 

> I like music and P.E. I hate math. I'm just an ordinary, bubbly girl. [more snickers] I _AM_ a bubbly girl! Hmmm? Wha'd you ask about that video? That, uhhh.... 

She leaned over to get the tape from the VCR. 

> My 'best friend' recorded this, 'Tomoyo'. 
> 
> Hmmm? A movie? No, it's the real thing. 

P-chan looked up at Akane and bu-kwees. 

> What is this hyper stuffed animal, you ask? (C'mon, P-chan! Act hyper!) 

"This is Kero, though I call him K-chan." 

Akane scooped up 'K-chan' and gooshed him into her bosom. 

"Have you been a good widdle, uh, flying piggie, K-chan?" 

P-chan bu-kweed and fell to the ground as a spout of blood gushed from his nose. Akane picked up P-chan and rattled him anxiously, but the piglet remained unconscious. 

"_Sigh_. This always seems to happen; maybe I should take him to the vet. I still haven't gotten him fixed yet." 

At this P-chan woke up and frantically scrambled out of the room. 

"Ummmm...." 

> Ah.... Heh. Yup. This little guy is not stuffed, it's alive. But it's not a cat or dog, either. So... what is he? (Well, he's obviously a pig, but....) That's a long story. 

"Ahhhh!!!" she shouted as she looked at her clock. "I'm late!" 

> Oh yeah, I didn't tell you about my family yet. 

Akane stepped into the dining-room and was surprised by Ryoga sitting at the table. He wore a dress shirt, tie, and (of course) a black speckled orange bandana around his head; his hair was wet and steaming, and he had a twisted roll of tissue stuck up one nostril. He smiled at her nervously as he crushed his mug of coffee in his bare hands. 

"Um, er, h-h-hello, Ak- A- S-s-sakura! Wha-" 

"What's with all the excitement!" someone hissed from offstage. 

"W-w-what's with all the e-excitement?" Ryoga stammered as he began eating the shattered fragments of his coffee mug. 

"I'm not doin' anything," replied Akane. 

"W-when you walk, it sounds like a stomping m-m-monster!" 

"I'm not a monster!" 

> This nasty guy is my older brother, Toya. (He's not nasty, but (stay in character, Aka- Sakura, stay in character. Right)) He goes to Northwest High School, right next to my school. 
> 
> I don't know if it's 'cause he's older, but I've never won a fight against him. Ah..... It drives me nuts, he's taller.... I get bitter thinking about it. 
> 
> Someday I'll be as big and tall as a telephone pole and I'll smash him! (If it was Ranma, I'd- Stay in character, stay in character, stay in character...) 

Soun stepped into the dining-room carrying a tray with bowls of miso soup and rice; he struggled to keep a smile on his face as his eyes shone with unshed tears. 

"Y-you are such loving siblings!" he said. 

> That's my dad, Fujitaka. He's an archeology professor. 

'Fujitaka' kept smiling, his lips beginning to tremble. 

> He's sweet. Great at cooking- 

Jets of tears gushed from his eyes as he began wailing. 

"Wahhhhhhhh! Now our families will never be joined!" 

**_WHAM_**

Akane smashed him into the floor with a large wooden mallet. 

"We're _supposed_ to stay in character, Dad!" 

Soun just twitched. 

"Why'd we have to take this job?" Ryoga muttered. 

"Because _somebody_ mismanaged Takahashi-sama's finances!" 

Nabiki, carrying a clipboard and a scene/take clacker thingy, stuck her head onto the stage. 

"Hey, anybody can make a few mistakes!" 

> He's sweet (my dad, that it). Great at cooking as sewing. I love, er, "luv" him. 
> 
> What's that? My mom? She died when I was little. She died when I was 4... No, 5? 3! She died when I was 3, so I don't remember much about her. 
> 
> But I'm not lonely. I've got my dad. 

"Oh, Saotome! How could we have come to this!" 

> I have my brother too, although he's annoying. 

Ryoga continued to much away on his ceramic shards, muttering "She's my _sister_, for God's sake, my sister, my sister..." 

> And I have little K-chan. Oh, yeah, about him... 

"Thanks for the chow," said Ryoga, who stood up and walked into a closet. 

"You're leaving already?" asked Akane, who began desperately gobbling up her food; didn't seem to be much point, though, as this was _Ryoga_ she was supposed to be following to school. 

"Morning soccer practice," came Ryoga's muffled voice from the closet. "That is, if I can ever find the front door." 

Seeing that Soun was still bawling, Kasumi dashed onto the stage, opened the closet door, gave Ryoga his lunch, and then scurried back off stage; by some miracle, he managed to make it to the front door and out onto the street. Akane rushed to put on her rollerblades and skated out onto the street, only to find it deserted; she looked behind her and saw Ryoga riding his bicycle in the wrong direction. 

"School's this way, Ry- Toya!" 

He turned around with a sheepish grin and joined her on the trip to school. 

"Um," Ryoga said, his face scrunched up in concentration. "Um..." 

Akane whispered, "You know, you don't have to hurry so much." 

"Y-you know, you don't have to hurry so much!" Ryoga said brightly, his voice much too loud. 

> (You don't have to hurry? That doesn't make any sense) But, but you always go with [voice dripping with contempt] 'that guy'! 

Up ahead we see a teenage boy wearing a Tomoeda High School uniform, holding a book bag and... a wooden sword. An epic war was fought on Akane's face as she utterly failed to look at 'Yuki' with any sort of adoration. 

"At last, my fierce tigress!" Kuno called out, throwing his arms wide and flinging his book bag at some hapless passerby. "You have thrown of the shackles of the foul sorcerer and come running into my open arms!" 

Ryoga gave Kuno a _hard_ thwack on the back of the head. 

"Oww! What was that for, you wretch!" 

"We're supposed to stay in character, 'Yuki'!" 

"Phah! What are the monetary problems of my creator when compared to true love!" 

"Look, you and me, errr, Toya and Yuki... are supposed to be... a couple." 

Kuno blinked at him. 

"A couple of what?" 

Ryoga leaned close to him and whispered something in his ear, causing Kuno to leap back and brandish his sword. 

"Thinks thou that the noble Kuno line would-" 

"Look," Ryoga sighed, "I'm not any happier about this than you are." 

"What! Dost thou imply that the mighty Tatewaki Kuno is unworthy of the love of a man!" 

"Jeez! What the hell do you want-" 

"Ohhhhh booooyyyssss," Nabiki sang out. "You _do_ realize that there's tons of 'naughty tentacle' shops that are just _dying_ to hire us, don't you?" 

Kuno's and Ryoga's eyes widened in horror for a moment, and then they turned to each other, smiles plastered on their faces, and clasped hands. 

"Toya!" 

"Yuki!" 

"Alright, alright," said Akane, "let's get going." 

Kuno straddled the bike behind Ryoga and Ryoga took off, with Akane following. 

"It's _that_ way to the high school, cretin! That way!" 

"Oops, sorry; hahaha!" 

> Yuki. My brother's classmate. I can't believe he's a friend to my uncouth brother. He's a sweet [choke] beautiful [gag] person! 

"I hear you've been oversleeping a lot, Sakura?" Kuno read from the script. 

"Errr... Huh? Huh? Why do you say that?" 

"He says you stay up late and can't get up in the morning. Is something worrying you?" 

With that Kuno tossed the script aside and waved his sword dramatically. 

"If so, fear not! For I, Tate-" 

"Not on the bike! Not on the bike!" yelled Ryoga as he desperately tried to keep the bike balanced. 

"Um, we're here," said Akane. 

Kuno, noticing 'Tomoyo' standing in front of the elementary school, leapt from the bike and rushed towards her, arms held wide. 

"My pigtailed goddess! How I- mrmph" 

Ranma neatly stopped Kuno's charge with a fist in his face. 

"I'm not wearing a pigtail; and you're supposed to stay in character, moron." 

"My goddess, and Akane! I shall have you bo-" 

Ryoga hit him on the head, steaming. 

"They're supposed to be 10 years old, you pervert!" 

"But age makes no difference to true looooovvveeeee...." 

Kuno's voice Doppler-shifted as he went flying towards the high school, courtesy of one of Akane's kicks. 

"Jeez, 'Sakura'," drawled Ranma, "that's some way to treat your 'true love'." 

"Shut up!" 

"Well, ah..." said Ryoga. "I guess I'll be going, then." 

He turned the bike around 90 degrees and rode it straight into a wall; Ranma whistled as she looked at the hole he left. 

"Man," she said, "he can be as deadly with one of those things as Shampoo." 

> This is 'Tomoyo', the girl who shot that video. 

"'morning, 'Tomoyo'," said Akane. 

"Good morning, 'Sakura'," Ranma replied. 

"Here, thanks" said Akane as she handed Ranma the video tape. 

"You, ah... (what's my line) Oh! You look beautiful in it... Ah, jeez! I can't stick this script; ain't like videotaping you is gonna make an uncute chick like you look beautiful." 

Akane sent a kick at Ranma's head, which she easily dodged. 

"So," said Ranma, "how'd we end up landing this job anyways? Where's the regular cast?" 

"The regular cast is..." Akane replied with a bit of nervousness. "They're on extended medical leave because of... work related stress, and... interpersonal relationships they have to work on, and other... psychological problems." 

********* **Flash sideways** ********* 

We see a large room with ceiling, floor and walls colored institution green. Most of the CCS cast members are seated on a circle of chairs, along with a balding man wearing glasses and smoking a pipe; he is obviously the psychiatrist. There's a clatter, and we turn to Tomoyo, who's face is powdered white and lips and nails are painted black; her camcorder has just fallen from her nerveless fingers. 

"See!" shouted Sakura, jabbing an accusatory finger at Tomoyo. "See! She's _always_ doing that! I didn't used to mind, but now... Now she even films me when I'm sleeping! Sleeping!! It's like I don't have any privacy left!" 

Tomoyo's lips trembled a bit before she burst into tears. Behind her, Kero was pleading Spinel. 

"But Suppi-chan!" cried Kero. "I can't live without you!" 

"Don't call me that!" snarled Spinel. "Besides, I have Ryo-oh-ki now, and she's _much_ more feline than you can ever _hope_ to be." 

"Meow! Meow! Meow!" agreed Ryo-oh-ki. 

"Oh!" wailed Kero. "How can you be so cruel!" 

As Kero fled from the snuggling felines, Toya was looking at Syaoran with grave concern. 

"Hey, little buddy. Hey! Snap out of it!" 

He grabbed the vacantly staring boy by the shoulders and gently shook him, but to no avail; he'd been like this ever since Eriol had spiked his punch with LSD and then tricked him into looking at the ILLUSION card. 

"Cards..." muttered Syaoran. "Got... to catch... the cards. Got to... Gotta? Gotta... catch... 'em all? P-p-pika... Pika pika pika. WINDY, I choose you." 

Ignoring her catatonic "true love", Meilin slipped over to sit next to Fujitaka, resting her head on his chest with a blissful smile on her face. He gently wrapped an arm around her as he gazed at her lovingly. 

"Sakura," he said, "I'd like you to meet your new mother." 

"Hooooeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!" 

********* **Un-Flash sideways** ********* 

"Hmmmm," said Ranma. "Well, I hope they get back soon. I'm gonna kill whoever made these stupid school uniforms; they're _way_ to small." 

Akane silently prayed, prayers which were, astonishingly, answered: Ranma made made no insulting comments about how the tight school-girl uniforms looked better on her than on Akane. They entered their classroom to find that Ukyo was already there. 

"Hiya, 'Rika'," said Ranma. 

"Hello, 'Tomoyo', 'Sakura'," she replied, then leaned forward and lowered her voice. "You haven't seen, um, Happosai?" She she whispered the last word as if the mere mention of his name could summon the uber-lech. 

"No," replied Akane, "he's not going to show up for a while." 

Both Ranma and Ukyo heaved sighs of relief. 

"He's going to be playing Eriol." 

They both choked and gagged. 

"Jeez," said Ranma, "who did _that_ bit of casting?" 

"Also, Aka- Sakura, do you know who's gonna be playing Mr. Terada? The guy I'm supposed to have a crush on?" 

"Well...." said Akane, sweating and shuffling her feet. "He's-" 

The classroom door slammed open and a man entered, wearing glasses, a white gi, and a white bandana over his head; "Homeroom is starting!" he called out. 

As he got to his desk, Genma lifted his head and gave Ukyo a nervous smile. 

"Kill me," Ukyo muttered, head slumped to her chest. "Kill me now." 


End file.
